It's one of those weeks...

A week where I feel the need to blog...and usually that means I'm emotional about something or something is bothering me. Well today it's both...

I am sitting here in Safeway, cause it's one of the few places in town that has free wi-fi definitely not the same environment as a calm coffee shop...but it's wi-fi and a place to get my coupons so I can go grocery shopping and also catch up on stuff.

I have so many things I want to say, and don't now if i can without crying, don't really want to break down in tears sitting in the middle of Safeway...I also wish I could write as eloquently as my siblings, who by the way I miss terribly. I wish I could just fly out to CA and see them! Even if it was just for a day...I still want to see them.

Went out with some friends last night and felt more out of place than I have in a very very long time...it started out okay then as the night went on it got progressively worse. To the point where I was crying myself to sleep cause I didn't know what to do.

It brought up things that I thought I had given to God and let go of, well I guess I still want kids and being around people who have a relationship because they have kids and they all talk about the things their kids are doing and bla bla bla...I really don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be jealous of people because they have kids or are pregnant. I truly thought I had given this over to God...I KNOW He is in control. Why does it still bother me so!

On a somewhat different note, I feel like the Lord dropped something into my thoughts last night and I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do with it... There is a need for another "group" at our church. Something for people who are single, college age, married with out kids & I'm sure there's someone else. I don't know how you make a group for that mixed of a group of people. But at the moment the thing I felt for all of those people groups was "Where do I belong?" I actually think that that's what I would like to call the class/small group/Sunday School Class I'd like to teach...now to pray and see what Pastor says when I present it to him. I actually don't even know if I'm supposed to teach the class or just present the need for a class/group. All I know is last night was really really rough and it gave me a renewed compassion for people who don't quite fit anywhere.

I've kinda been in this place for most of my life, I really thought now was different. I have other people who seem to be in the same place of life, well I realized last night that they aren't. They all have kids and have the joy's and stresses that are associated with that. I don't have those...and yes...I want them so that's a hard thing.