Random thoughts too many ....

Well too many to put into status updates...

Update #1 So happy to be in sandles and short sleeves...by the way I would have liked this on Facebook

Update #2 tis' the season for lots of lotion!

I'm sure there's more but that's all I can remember right now.

And I'm trying out blogger on my phone...

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It's one of those weeks...

A week where I feel the need to blog...and usually that means I'm emotional about something or something is bothering me. Well today it's both...

I am sitting here in Safeway, cause it's one of the few places in town that has free wi-fi definitely not the same environment as a calm coffee shop...but it's wi-fi and a place to get my coupons so I can go grocery shopping and also catch up on stuff.

I have so many things I want to say, and don't now if i can without crying, don't really want to break down in tears sitting in the middle of Safeway...I also wish I could write as eloquently as my siblings, who by the way I miss terribly. I wish I could just fly out to CA and see them! Even if it was just for a day...I still want to see them.

Went out with some friends last night and felt more out of place than I have in a very very long time...it started out okay then as the night went on it got progressively worse. To the point where I was crying myself to sleep cause I didn't know what to do.

It brought up things that I thought I had given to God and let go of, well I guess I still want kids and being around people who have a relationship because they have kids and they all talk about the things their kids are doing and bla bla bla...I really don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be jealous of people because they have kids or are pregnant. I truly thought I had given this over to God...I KNOW He is in control. Why does it still bother me so!

On a somewhat different note, I feel like the Lord dropped something into my thoughts last night and I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do with it... There is a need for another "group" at our church. Something for people who are single, college age, married with out kids & I'm sure there's someone else. I don't know how you make a group for that mixed of a group of people. But at the moment the thing I felt for all of those people groups was "Where do I belong?" I actually think that that's what I would like to call the class/small group/Sunday School Class I'd like to teach...now to pray and see what Pastor says when I present it to him. I actually don't even know if I'm supposed to teach the class or just present the need for a class/group. All I know is last night was really really rough and it gave me a renewed compassion for people who don't quite fit anywhere.

I've kinda been in this place for most of my life, I really thought now was different. I have other people who seem to be in the same place of life, well I realized last night that they aren't. They all have kids and have the joy's and stresses that are associated with that. I don't have those...and yes...I want them so that's a hard thing.

Trying Again

Why can't I write like the other members of my family. I don't see where I got some talent that they don't have but somehow my siblings are both able to write I however don't feel I write anything that people would really be interested or intrigued to read.

However I come here anyway to write to the air, since I don't know of anyone who stops to read here anyway.

I don't feel very happy, I don't think it's been all that long since I've been happy, but these bouts of sadness & frustration seem to come more and more often lately. I seem to only be able to see all the things that are not working out the way I want them to, and not finding the things that are working out "better" than I thought they would because they ended up different than I wanted.

If I'm honest, no I haven't been spending as much time in prayer and in the word as would be healthy for me spiritually and most likely physically. And is it awful to say I don't feel like it? I pray, I pray every day. I thank God for His provision and protection over our lives. But I don't feel anything, I find myself annoyed by so many things. Nothing seems to be going my way, I have been praying for quite a while that God would change the things I want for my life to the things He wants for my life, and I haven't seen or felt anything change. I've just found that I've become more frustrated.

Maybe I'll try again to give God the time He deserves in my life, I know things can only get better when I do that. We shall see if I fail at this again as I have every other time I've tried to spend more time with the Lord and do the things I know I'm supposed too...

Once a Month

Well it seems that that's how often I post here lately? I've been rather busy with going back to work...some church stuff, but mainly just normal church things nothing super new or special.

So work has been most of what my time has been spent doing, that and the two hours I spend each day driving...

I guess I'm feeling drained, and I don't really know what to do about that. I had a birthday, I'm officially a year older. I've been thinking I was 28 for quite a few months now, so I guess that's why it's not such a big deal, however it still feels weird to be 28 and to be where I am? I don't know where I want to be, but I look at others, others who are younger than I am and see the things that they have and I wonder why I am not where they are? But that's not the path God has for me so I must just continue, and pray I'm still on the path He has intended for me! Sometimes I wonder, and often I pray!

Thanks for checking in with my ramblings for tonight, we shall see if I have anything else profound to say this month, or if I continue my once per month postings...

Desires & Devastation

Those two words describe well what I'm going through and praying about tonight.

I've been studying and reading in Job recently and tonight the Lord gave me a different thought about him, What were Job's desires? Cause you can bet he wasn't wanting his livelihood to be destroyed, and to loose his children. And all seemingly because he was faithfully serving God. Talk about a confusing turn of events!

Well, I've been struggling with desires for ministry and it not being the time and season for it. I don't know how exactly that fits with the study of Job's devastation & desires, I'm praying about that because it feels like there's a connection.

But today there has been a devastation, a totally unexpected death. My sister lost someone incredibly close to her, and I'm certain in no way was that expected or desired by anyone & especially not my sister. And so I'm praying for her that she will allow the Lord to hold her in His arms and love on her!

Well I know those may have been random thoughts and I may come back and add more later but just trying to put down some thoughts for the night.
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I wrote a status and decided it should be a blog

Well, we got one of our first real rain storms tonight, it lasted about 30 minutes and the news is saying it so far has given us about half an inch of rain. So needless to say, a lot of rain in a short amount of time. It was pretty amazing to watch...

I had been in bed because of a rather bad headache (that had caused me to leave work early today), and I woke up to hear the rain start and I almost felt the relief in my headache as it started to rain harder. I still have a little headache however it is not nearly as intense as it was before the rain started.

So I got up to watch the rain and maybe move my plants so they could get some rain, I moved the plants then came back inside for a minute to do something, I was frightened by a VERY LOUD and close thunderclap, it set off several car alarms in the parking lot I feel it was probably a likely lightning strike. The news said there was a palm tree fire not to far from where I live, so I am guessing there was lightning with the thunder! Well right after that happened the HEAVY rain started and hail, so I went out to move the plants so they would survive as they were being pummeled with the rain and hail. Stayed out on the patio to watch the rain, and started making a video right as the wind and rain pulled two limbs off the trees in our parking lot, I was rather glad I wasn't parked under the tree today! There was no damage done to any cars but their could have been if the tree had continued to break.

Well I got rather wet just standing at the back of the patio watching the rain, and then I decided to collect some water to use for watering my plants and I got REALLY wet! It was great!

I love the rain, and I am also very grateful that my headache is a little better. Still there but a bit better!

Reflections on Camp.... 5-5-5

I had the privilege of attending camp last week with Sahuarita AG as a dorm leader and it was a wonderful week! I had the 3 girls that went up with us as well as girls from two other churches in my dorm, they were all very well behaved and it was a great week! I am praying that the Lord will continue to work in all of their lives and keep bringing them closer to Him!

I was blessed to be reminded of a very simple key to building a closer relationship with the Lord again, as well as being blessed to see the Lord work in the lives of students. The speaker this week was Rick Pasquale, I've had the joy of hearing Pastor Rick speak at a youth camp on at least 2 prior occasions, so I was somewhat familiar with his formula for Camp services. I was, however, surprised at how the Lord used something as simple as 5-5-5 (Reading the Bible for 5 minutes, Talking to God for 5 minutes, and then listening to God for 5 minutes) to show me how I can begin to regain that close relationship with Him that I have been longing for.

I am always amazed at all that can happen during a week of camp, I probably shouldn't be but I am. When you remove yourself from the normal day to day distractions that so easily accompany life and our daily activities and place yourself in a position to hear from God, He will speak. Even it it is as simple as just a reminder that you need to be spending more time with Him. Or as it was for some of the students it may be a call to go and serve Him in another country at some later point in their lives.

God is always faithful to speak, when we place ourselves in the position to hear!

God bless and I pray you have a blessed week!

Sick Pets

My cat is sick this morning, and I don't know what to do...My *caring* husband doesn't seem to care, or be concerned his statement was "I've had pets who puked, or had diarrhea, he's a pet".

And yes I've had pets before, but I don't remember them getting sick, and I think I would want to do something about it if they were sick. I don't know what to do, I know that if we took him to the emergency room today it would cost us more than an arm and a leg, and then I leave early Monday morning and my husband probably had to work, and since he doesn't care I don't know if he'd do anything.

I just don't want the cat to suffer...and I don't know what to do to make it better :-( just my frustrations for the moment...

Thoughts on this Memorial Day

Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ... I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:35,38-39 New American Standard Bible

There is truly nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ, if we have accepted Him into our hearts and live for Him daily. As I remember today those who have given their lives in service to our country I pray that they had some chance to accept the Lord as their savior before they gave that ultimate sacrifice for this United States of America.

I also pray today that those currently serving would be protected, that God would place a hedge of protection around them. In front of them and behind them, as they fight daily for our freedom. I also pray peace and strength for their families as they wait daily at home for news of their safe return. Most importantly I pray that they would have a divine meeting with the Lord, and accept Him into their hearts.

God Bless America!

I hope...

That anyone who's reading my blog doesn't mind if I vent just a little. Sometimes it keeps my head from exploding, at least that's what I tell myself when I have little bits of tears trickling out of my eyes...

I have been in a bit of a funk for a while, and those of you who have had to suffer through my funk, I do appologize! I am trying to pray through and find out what the true cause is so I can just "stop it", but I haven't been able to figure out what's truly going on as of 9:52pm, Monday May 24, 2010. So I sit here and blog to attempt to talk through whatever this is...

I really don't understand why my mind/heart/emotions can't just accept what I know to be true and allow me to move on in what I know to be true.

I know the Lord is in control, I know He holds me in the palm of His hand, I know He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper and not to harm. It just seems so hard to apply the things that I know sometimes, and I wish I could just be better at it. I really didn't think I was still bothered by certain things, and then when I'm faced with them again it seems like the feelings just come rising back up?

Some questions that I am contemplating tonight, Why do people who would be fabulous parents struggle so in having children? Why can't marriages work out? Why do believers in closed countries get jailed and Lord only knows what, for their faith and we so carelessly at times, choose to believe or not believe. Why, why, why; that's what I hear myself asking tonight. But I guess there really isn't a why, things just are.

Well tonight, the salty wet tears slowly falling down my face are not out of pity for myself; yes I would like to understand why I am still feeling the way I am, however the tears tonight are for a precious family in prison for leading a un-registered church in a country where it isn't legal for them to be a Christian. They are tears for all those who have lost a child, or who've never been able to conceive. The tears come more quickly for family members...family members and friends who don't know how valuable they are in the eyes of the Lord!

I pray for all of those situations, and any you may have that I don't know personally about, and I ask that you would pray as well. Thank you for your time and prayers, may the Lord pour out His peace and blessing upon you...Love, Jennifer


Philippians 1:9-11 (New International Version)

9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Sometimes I feel like I should really learn...

There are times when I wish I were better at keeping my mouth closed. It seems that things just seem to jump out even when they shouldn't.

I said something today that after I said it I realized I should have kept it inside my head, there is a scripture verse that I have in my head and I can't find the reference so I can't quote the verse. But our tongues are awful! I post this as a confession, and a prayer that the Lord would help me to hold my tongue and keep from spreading gossip. I don't want to be one that He speaks of in His word, I want to be a righteous servant that is uplifting in her words!

I was trying to just find part of James 3 to post however today I think I need to be reminded of the whole chapter. Emphasis my own.

James 3:1-11 (New International Version)

James 3

Taming the Tongue

¹Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. ²We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

³When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

⁷All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, ⁸but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

⁹With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. ¹⁰Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. ¹¹Can both fresh water and salt^a]">[a] water flow from the same spring?

Thank you for praying for me today and always! Have a blessed day~

Looking For a Reason to Blog

I have been looking for a reason to blog for the last week and have yet to come up with a legitimate blog to post.

So here I am possibly posting a blog that is not entirely necessary, however I want to post so here I am. My week has been very interesting and it seems like it should be Friday already. Thankfully there are only 6 more days of school, then I can take a few days off before I get to go with the youth to camp.

Then back to my classroom to prepare for next year, I am so excited for the next school year as I will, with the Lord's help be able to have a blessed year. That I will be able to actually prepare for and get started in a complete and more prepared way.

I am trying to get better about blogging more regularly, however I find I don't really have much to blog about so I don't know what to say...well I'm going to sign off for now and finish getting ready for Church. Have a great evening!

Well I'm back...

After not using my blogger blog for a while. I think I'm back, I went and tried out Wordpress and found that I like the functionality of blogger a bit better.

I'm also looking into the possibility of using my blog to earn a little extra income if monetizing works out? Does anyone have any ideas on that front? Have you every used monetize?

Anyway, thank you to those of you who were so supportive with my last blog, I appreciate the prayers and thoughts. I am doing a bit better at this point. I think I am completely exhausted and can't think much about it at the moment because of the end of the school year, however it is what it is.

My goal is to be back with an update tomorrow. Maybe I'll find something profound to say...hope you are all having a blessed day!

Mother's Day Thoughts

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day

5-8-10

A very hard day for me for a couple reasons.
I really want to be a mother and for some reason that the Lord chooses not to share with me, I can’t be one. And this is very difficult for me, as I see more and more friends with babies or getting pregnant it just serves as a reminder that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet or possibly that I can’t and never will be pregnant.

I know I just need to accept this and wait and see what God has for me. Its just not as easy as it seems it should be, as I lay here sobbing as I try to get my thoughts out in a reasonable manner.

To my friends who are expecting or have recently had a baby, please understand I am truly happy for you and trying to show that to you. But I understand I may not be doing a very good job right at this moment, its just really hard for some reason right now. I’m trying to, again just give the desire back to God and trust it safely in His hand, but it seems that it just won’t go?

I’ve prayed numerous times and recently with increasing fervor and frequency, “Lord make Your desires my desires, Your thoughts my thoughts, Your love my love, Your heart my heart, Your will my will” and yet I still have the ever so increasing desire for a child? Why can’t I just let it go. It should be so easy but its not for some reason.

The other reason this day is so hard is it reminds me of my grandma…the year she died (or the year before, the year is fuzzy at this moment), we all went to San Diego for Mother’s Day. And I miss her, as well as I wish she could have been here to see my wedding day or the birth of her first great grandchild, which brings us back to the emotions around not being able to conceive.

I just realized something we’ve been trying to conceive for about 3 years, (so on our 4th wedding anniversary this year we will have been trying for about 3 1/2 years.) we started trying about halfway through our first year of marriage which would have been right around this time, hmm I wonder if that’s why its all so hard? Strange the way our memories and emotions work.

I’m sorry this was so long and so emotional it does feel good to express it somewhat. I pray I didn’t offend anyone, if anyone actually read this, thank you and I pray you understand. Just the thoughts, ramblings and emotional mess of little old me…

If word

If words are just words….

5-9-2010

…then why do they hurt so much.

If words are just words
Why do the tears burn so much?

If words are just words
Why do my ears still ring?

If words are still words
Why does it still sting?

Oh windy day oh windy day...

Oh windy day, oh windy day…how windy are your…

4-29-10

I don’t really know how I expected to finish that little tune, but it’s so windy here I think I may blow away! 25-30 MPH gusts at times. While there are a couple students who I might not miss if they were blown away, really I hope the wind doesn’t decide to pick one of them up and take them away…I can see it now “Oh Aunty Em…Aunty Em…”

It’s been one of those weeks for me, where I have a whole lot I’d love to blog about but I’m just trying to take it to the Lord in prayer and not dump it all out here. I’ve been waiting to post a link to my blog until I can be certain I’m not going to say something I didn’t really want to share with the whole world…so far okay.

I was looking for a scripture to meditate on about cares because I feel like I’m holding a whole lot more than I need to right now and I came across this one:

1 Peter 5:7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

This is indeed what I am attempting to do, I’m going to place the passage from which that comes below because it also gave me a little more to think about. I know the Lord cares for me I just haven’t gotten the whole ‘cast’ part quite down yet. Well I hope you are all having a better week, and are more successful when it comes to casting your cares onto Him, for He does care for you!

1 Peter 5:5-11
⁵ Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for

“ God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.”

⁶ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, ⁷ casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.
⁸ Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. ⁹ Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. ¹⁰ But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. ¹¹ To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:5-11, New King James Version)

Again, hope this wasn’t too painful…God’s blessings on you all!

Thoughts on work and teaching...

Copying over some blogs since I seem to like blogger a bit better than wordpress...shhh I didn't really say that did I?

Second Post in One Day

4-21-2010

Must be a record…

Well the whole reason I started a blog today is because I am feeling rather frustrated with the state of some things and I am trying to figure it all out before I have to go sit in a meeting and not react!

I am blessed that I believe I will have a job next school year, as there are many teachers who do not know if they will be getting contracts. While I haven’t received my contract I believe that I will. I may be mistaken and will find out more a bit later, in that meeting I must keep a good attitude in.

When I went into teaching as my career I never expected to bring in the big bucks, however I was expecting at least a small raise for every year I have been teaching (yes, I understand I’ve only been teaching one year and it wouldn’t be much any way) however when I was just presented with the prospect of a 2% pay cut I felt somewhat wronged.

What is wrong with our state and or our government that they are unable to pay teachers a living wage. It seems that I may have to find a second job next year to be able to afford to teach. Now…you tell me if you see something wrong with that thought?

No I haven’t sat down and figured out what a 2% pay cut looks like to my budget, but it means I will loose $2 of every $100 I’ve made this year, that adds up quick. And that cut is only if the 1% sales tax increase passes in our state! So I will be paying 1% more for everything I have to buy but I will be making 2% less in my check. This really gets me steamed, and I am trying to process through this so I can put on the right face and have the right reaction in a few minutes. There are many people who are really freaking out about the 1% sales tax, I am not for it or against it. I understand our district really needs it (or seems to need it in order to survive the next year) however, I don’t believe the flash and bang tactics are needed. I have a hard time because I am a MAJOR minority in my workplace as to how I feel about politics, and I don’t even fully sit on the same page as my husband so there’s not really a place I fit and can express my feelings.

Another reason I am trying to stay calm, is because I know my God is in control! He holds the world in His hand and if He believes that I can handle a pay cut, then I accept it. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, so He obviously can handle a little 2% cut in my pay.

I would just like to feel the peace I know He can give right now, before I go into this meeting.

*Lord, I need your peace and reassurance that everything will be alright! I know You hold the whole world in Your hand and can do all things. Help me to trust you through this situation and allow You to do what You are going to do*

Again I thank you for reading if you did and I hope it wasn’t to painful.