Mother's Day Thoughts

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day

5-8-10

A very hard day for me for a couple reasons.
I really want to be a mother and for some reason that the Lord chooses not to share with me, I can’t be one. And this is very difficult for me, as I see more and more friends with babies or getting pregnant it just serves as a reminder that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet or possibly that I can’t and never will be pregnant.

I know I just need to accept this and wait and see what God has for me. Its just not as easy as it seems it should be, as I lay here sobbing as I try to get my thoughts out in a reasonable manner.

To my friends who are expecting or have recently had a baby, please understand I am truly happy for you and trying to show that to you. But I understand I may not be doing a very good job right at this moment, its just really hard for some reason right now. I’m trying to, again just give the desire back to God and trust it safely in His hand, but it seems that it just won’t go?

I’ve prayed numerous times and recently with increasing fervor and frequency, “Lord make Your desires my desires, Your thoughts my thoughts, Your love my love, Your heart my heart, Your will my will” and yet I still have the ever so increasing desire for a child? Why can’t I just let it go. It should be so easy but its not for some reason.

The other reason this day is so hard is it reminds me of my grandma…the year she died (or the year before, the year is fuzzy at this moment), we all went to San Diego for Mother’s Day. And I miss her, as well as I wish she could have been here to see my wedding day or the birth of her first great grandchild, which brings us back to the emotions around not being able to conceive.

I just realized something we’ve been trying to conceive for about 3 years, (so on our 4th wedding anniversary this year we will have been trying for about 3 1/2 years.) we started trying about halfway through our first year of marriage which would have been right around this time, hmm I wonder if that’s why its all so hard? Strange the way our memories and emotions work.

I’m sorry this was so long and so emotional it does feel good to express it somewhat. I pray I didn’t offend anyone, if anyone actually read this, thank you and I pray you understand. Just the thoughts, ramblings and emotional mess of little old me…